||[Nov. 21st, 2006|11:58 pm]
Kerr's Fan Fics
Aki’s out drinking again. He’s always out getting pissed now. He even drinks in the morning. I get so worried about him; he just shrugs it off saying it’s a pick up to get him though the day. It never used to be this way. I used to be the thing that got him though the day, he always used to whisper that when I was feeling low, or if he was upset. He stopped showing me his feelings a while ago now. He has become almost dead to me. No emotion in his body. I know it’s not true. His eyes show that he’s lost and can’t get out of whatever he’s managed to do to himself. I see tears form in his eyes but he never sheds them, never shows his true self in front of me anymore. Keeps a mask on with the help of alcohol. He seems to think vodka will help him more than I could.
Even when we first met he was pissed. He almost fell on top of me while trying to kiss my cheek. He was too loud, and kept asking me questions about my love life. I hated him by the end of the night, even though Lauri seemed to think he was the best person he’d ever met. I noticed how good he looked but it was tarnished by his attitude. The next day I met the real, sober him. I liked the sober him. He was very funny and clever. Slightly cheeky but in the most adorable way. The way he smiled at me made me get goose bumps. Eventually he asked me out, I quickly accepted. He turned out to be very charming and romantic. Made me feel special, I felt like he was special. I was under his spell from the first moment I got to brush my lips with his. I knew from that moment I didn’t want him to leave my side. He agreed with me and from then on we spent most of our time together, slowly getting closer. I have never been happier than at that time.
One day Aki wanted to go out with Lauri for a night out. I didn’t want to go but told him he should. I almost had to push him out the door he was so reluctant to spend time away from me. At the time I thought it was cute. It turned out to be a huge mistake that I wish everyday that I could change. When he got back from his night out he was very drunk and toppled into bed fully clothed before falling asleep. I had to baby sit him all night. It was the least I could do for my Aki. When he awoke the next day I could sense something had changed. He carried on like normal but there was something very wrong. Gradually he drifted further away from me. Whenever I asked him what had happened that night he would just snap at me so I soon stopped questioning him about it. I still wanted to know though. What had happened to the Aki I loved? I wanted to try and get him back but he just pushed away and shut me off. He started drinking more and more. He became permanently the drunk Aki I hated when we first met. Everything that made him incredible and made me love him had all but disappeared. I have begged him to let me in as he has gotten worse. He won’t quit and won’t let me near enough to help him though it. He says he hasn’t got a problem. It’s my problem not his.
Aki crashing though the door brakes me from my upsetting thoughts. I feel that I have been crying again. He looks at me and for the first time in ages I see the love sparkle in his eyes. Maybe it will be different soon. He destroys my hope by swaying towards me.
“Pauli...” He falls over and blacks out after he says my name. I look at him. I get hit with the realisation I hoped I would never get to. I can’t go on like this. I need to leave before this can ever be better.